Swinging
18 Jun 2020


You Might Be A Swinger IF...

1. You are running out of reasons to tell your friends, family and coworkers why you can’t go out with them this weekend

2. You know most of your friends’ names only as couples (Rich and Joy, Frank and Jen) but you don’t know their last names

3. You go on vacation with three huge suitcases, yet are wearing the same outfit when you return as on you did when you left

4. You have already seen pictures of your new friends naked before you ever met them in person

5. You can’t remember the last time you had all your pubic hair

6. Before traveling somewhere on business or for fun, you look up couples in the area

7. You worry about explaining to your neighbors what went on last weekend at your house

8. You never open your garage door until you’re in the car with the doors closed

9. Your gynecologist wonders why you’re asking for birth control when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy

10. Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it

11. Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set

12. Your spouse is having an orgasm, while you are busy in the other room talking with friends

13. You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join your foursome

14. The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your wife’s thong

15. You’ve hugged your friends goodnight while naked

16. The word “slut” has become a term of endearment

17. Going to a vanilla bar or on a vanilla vacation ranks right up there with a root canal

18. You’ve taken your vibrator with you to a dinner party

19. The term Vanilla isn’t just a flavor to you anymore

20. You are constantly encouraging your kids to spend the weekend at friends’ houses

21. You panic when your friend’s digital camera goes missing

22. Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer

23. A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury

24. After 10+ years of marriage, people ask if you’re newlyweds

25. You’ve taken photos of yourself with your head out of frame; And it was on purpose

26. You can’t decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear this weekend

27. You frequently use the term “Friends of friends” when explaining how you know certain people

28. You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light

29. You’re still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night

30. You come home with that, “There’s Something About Mary” hairstyle

31. The babysitter wonders why you are always already wearing your full-length coat when she arrives

32. In the gym shower you’re the only guy with shaved balls

33. Half of your vacation photos were taken in your hotel room

34. You can expertly identify the tactile differences between every type of breast implant ever created

35. You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex

36. On vacation you set aside time to stage a bunch of photos that are acceptable to show to your family

37. You’ve become especially good at operating your digital camera with one hand

38. You’re in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout your screen name

39. Before introducing them to your visiting family or friends, you pull your play friends aside and say, “OK, here’s how we know each other…”

40. You start having withdrawals after two days without internet access

41. When someone asks where you’re staying on your trip, you pretend that you can’t remember the name of the resort

42. You ask a girlfriend to teach you: “That thing you do with your tongue that my husband enjoys so much.”

43. In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the restroom

44. You have an entire external hard-drive devoted to nothing but your party photos

45. The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels

46. You’ve handed out business cards to people, but the cards have nothing to do with your occupation

47. The only time you go out with your vanilla friends is when you’re on your period

48. You erase your computer’s browser history and cache every time you leave your computer

49. You’ve had sex with more people since you’ve been married than you did when you were single

50. You spent twice as long on your online profile than you did on your resume

Xoxo,


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