There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on
the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger
than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me
all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids.'
The teacher asked Timmy why he brought his cat to school. Timmy replied "Because my dad told my mom he's going to eat that pussy when the kids go to school
Heard my neighbor shagging for what seemed like hours last night
It went on and on for hours, moaning groaning, some screaming
the banging of the headboard on the wall
Turned out her elderly mother had fallen over and cracked her hip,
the noise was her banging on the wall with her stick
feeling really guilty about the wank I had
Catholic girl went into confession and said to the priest, "l'm pregnant." He asked, "How did this happen, my child?" She said, "I think it must be the second coming." The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?".
She replied, "Because I swallowed the first"
Quote by onyxnesta Catholic girl went into confession and said to the priest, "l'm pregnant." He asked, "How did this happen, my child?" She said, "I think it must be the second coming." The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?". She replied, "Because I swallowed the first"
One night a couple was sitting on the couch talking when they heard a terrible noise outside. They ran out to see what it was. When they got there they were shocked to see that and alien spaceship had landed in their backyard. The aliens said, "Don't worry we come in peace. We just want to talk."
So the couple and the aliens sit down and begin talking. After awhile they start to get tired so they decide to go to bed. The alien couple said, "Look we've never had sex with a human and we know you've never had sex with an alien so how about we switch places for the night." The human couple agreed. The human woman and the male alien began messing around in a bedroom.
When the alien dude pulled out his dick the woman complained that it was too small, so he said, "Oh, that's no problem." He hit himself on the forehead and it grew an inch.
"Wow! That's amazing!"
"Yeah", he replied "just keep doing that until it's the size you want it."
After awhile she got it where she wanted it and then complained that it wasn't thick enough. He said, "Well watch this," and pulled his ears. It became a bit thicker.
"Just keep doing that until its the size you want it." After that they started banging.
The next morning after the aliens left the human couple were talking and the male asks, "So how was it?" She replied, "It was the most amazing sex I've ever had. What about you?"
"I hated it," he said.
"Why?"
"The bitch kept hitting me on the head and pulling my ears!"
A teenage boy had just turned 18 and his father decides to do something special for him.
'Son', says the father, 'since you have turned 18 it is time for you to become a man. Here is $300, now go on down to the brothel in town and have yourself a good time becoming a man'.
'Thanks Dad!' says the son and leaves the house. On the the way to the brothel the teenager passes by his nans house. His nan notices him passing by and asks him where he going.
'Dad gave me $300 dollars to spend at the brothel so I can become a man!' replies the teenager.
The nan replies, 'now you hold onto that money and come inside. Your nan will make a man out of you'. Several hours later the teenager arrives back home.
'Well my boy', says the father,' how was it at the brothel?'
' I didn't go to the brothel', says the teenager. ' I passed nans place and when I told her what I was doing, she ended up making a man out of me'.
'Are you telling me that you fucked my mother?!?' asks the father, horrified.
The son replied, 'well you fucked mine'.
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said is this your wife sir? I answerd yes. They said im afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus... I said i know, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids.
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.!
A man and a woman are sitting in a hospital corridor waiting to be strike up a conversation.
"I'm here to give blood" she says, "It's £5 a pint, what about you?"
"I'm here to donate sperm" he answers, "It's £30 each time."
"Oh really," she says looking thoughtful.
Some weeks later the same two people meet again at the hospital.
"Have you come to give some more blood?" asks the man.
"Uh, uh" she says, shaking her head and keeping her mouth closed!!!
some from mrs two
A blonde a brunette and a redhead are all finishing year 6. who has the biggest boobs??
the blonde, she 19
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
- Teacher: Did your father give you any help with your assignment?Student: Nope. He did everything on his own.
- Shampoo is a fake! Boycott Shampoo! Demand REAL poo!
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Two muffins are sitting in the oven, when one turns to the other muffin and asks, "Is it just me or is it hot in here?" The second muffin's eyes widen and he exclaims, "Holy cow! A talking muffin!"
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where the heck is the ceiling?'
- Kid: Dad, what's an idiot?Dad: An idiot is someone who tries to explain something in such a roundabout and long way that the person to whom he is explaining something has absolutely no idea what he is talking about. Understand?"Kid: No.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- A man is sitting on his couch watching his TV when he hears the doorbell ring. He opens the door, and only sees a snail sitting on his step. He throws the snail across the street and goes back to watching TV.
A year later, he is again sitting on his couch watching TV when the doorbell rings again. He opens the door to see an angry snail, who yells, "What the Heck was that for?"
- When asked if he was prepared to support a family, the new son-in-law answered, "I'm sorry, I was only planning on providing for your daughter. The rest of you will have to support yourselves."
Let's proceed with even more very funny jokes.
the meaning of:
- Attraction: Associating a feeling of being horny with a particular person.
- Love at First Sight: Two very horny, not very particular people when they first meet.
- Dating: Spending a good deal of energy, time, and effort into getting to know someone who you don't even like now and will like even less in the future.
- Eye Contact: Something that women do to show that they are interested in men, but also something that men are unable to do, seeing as how they are so busy staring at the woman's chest, rear, or anywhere else that isn't her eyes.
- Friend: Someone who is not attractive enough to be suitable "date" material.
- Interesting: A word men use to get women to do all of the talking in a conversation.
- Irritating Habit: Something which, a few months back, was an endearing quality that attracted you to a person.
- Law of Relativity: The law that dictates just how attractive someone else is in relation to how unattractive your current date is.
- Nymphomaniac: The name given to a woman by a man who doesn't want to have sex as much as she does.
- Sober: A state of being in which it is nearly impossible for two people to fall in love.
A guy goes in to a chemist to buy condoms, the clerk says 'what size?' The guy says 'gee, I don't know' the clerk says 'go see Jill in aisle six' so he goes over to see Jill, who grabs him by the crotch and yells 'medium'
The guy is mortified, he hurries over to pay and quickly leaves the store. Soon after another guy comes in to buy condoms again 'what size?' Again over to Jill, Jill grabs him and yells 'large'
The guy struts over and pays and leaves.
Next a high school kid comes in to buy condoms, 'what size?' says the clerk, the kid is very embarrassed and says 'I've never bought any before, I have no idea what size, over to Jill he goes, she grabs him and yells 'clean up in aisle six'
I said to my wife, "If you lick my balls I'll come."
She said, "Fuck off, you're going shopping with me, whether you like it or not."
They say that mistakes are the doorway to discovery.
Which is ironic, because I never discovered whiskey until after I got married...
Women logic -
Last night I was sucking my wife's toes, licking her arsehole and eating her out even though she was on her period and that's fine.
But drink directly from the milk bottle with my mouth this morning, and I'm a disgusting bastard.
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.
Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?
Max Factor should make condoms.
Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.
I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me wanking and not some pervert.
What is the difference between Jelly and Jam ?
I can't Jelly my cocks down your throat can I can't???
Open wider :
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."
She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"
He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."
You can always tell if a guy masturbates alot by his hands. If you look closely you'll see a wedding ring.
Packed my bags last night. Loaded up the dog and went to leave when the missus yells "I hope you have a slow and painful death" I turned around and said "Oh, you want me to stay then ?"
Then the fight REALLY started.
Tampax have announced that they will be replacin their string with tinsel. this will be for the christmas period only
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers.......
So I did....
She's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Dear Dr Phil. I was watching my neighbors daughter sunbaking topless from my bedroom window. As I was having a wank, I noticed my wife standing there, arms folded, watching me... I ask you, Is She a PERVERT ?????
Two condoms walk into a bar and realize its a gay bar, one says to the other, looks like we're getting shit faced tonight
A guy goes to the supermarket and notice a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table,
with all my buddies watching, while your girl friend whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight escalated.....
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
That was when the fight was lost
I was sure that I gave my wife her first multiple orgasm last night.
Turns out that recognizing epilepsy is not as easy as one might think.
______
My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder...
And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking cock.
_________
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,
'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'
'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman…
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'
Again the doctor spoke very calmly:
'Same illness, better health fund"
I'll never understand women.
A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
____________
My dick is just like a dogs nose, it's always getting in to cracks, chasing pussy and it constantly pops up unwanted at the dinner table.
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, 'You are back early, what's wrong?' 'I was stung by a bee!' she said. 'Where?' he asked. 'Between the first and second hole.' she replied. He nodded and said, 'Your stance is far too wide.'
For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.
A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady. "Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?" 'Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!" At Stacey's house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"
A man asks, 'God, why did you make woman so beautiful?' God responded, 'So you would love her.' The man asks, 'But God, why did you make her so dumb?' God replied, 'So she would love you.'
How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.....she hasn't even got a car!!
I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Aunt's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
She screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!
Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" .. The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.
Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm having that!"
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
I STILL WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!!
=
Little Johnny on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes
them, the hookers wave at him with their pinky fingers and say "HI there little boy!!"
One day Johnny stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their
pinky fingers ... she replies "well ... that is what size we imagine your peniss to be ... it is just a joke!"
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. Little Johhny stops and drops his
school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and
says "HI THERE LADIES!.
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
"Today's class is about imagination" said the teacher.
"Behind my back I've got something round, red and juicy"
Nancy puts up her hand "Is it an apple Miss?"
"No Nancy, but good try, you're really using your imagination"
"Is it a tomato Miss" said Angelica in the front row.
"Well done, yes it's a tomato" replied the teacher
Suddenly at the back of the class little Johnny jumps up and shoves his hand down his pants.
"In my hand I've got something an inch long, stiff and it has a red tip"
The teacher looks furious and yells at little Johnny "GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE IMMEDIATELY!"
Little Johnny just grins and says "It's only a matchstick miss, but at least you're using your imagination!"
--------------------------------
Buckwheat and Darla are sitting in an Alabama school spelling bee. The teacher turns to Darla and says "Darla, spell dumb"
"D-u-m-b" says Darla
"Good, now use it in a sentence"
"Buckwheat is dumb"
The teacher frowns "Not the sentence I'd use, but correct, next spell Stupid"
"s-t-u-p-i-d" replies Darla
"Now use it in a sentence" asks the teacher
"Buckwheat is stupid"
"Correct again but I don't think you're taking this seriously, so we'll move on to Buckwheat. Buckwheat, spell Dictate" says the now annoyed teacher.
Buckwheat smiles and says "d-i-c-t-a-t-e"
"Good, now use it in a sentence" says the teacher, relieved things seem to be going back to normal.
"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dic-tate good"
Transport in Heaven
And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said-
"You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven.
You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said "You, Dave, were a bad man in life.
You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."
The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said "You were not as sinful, but you still
cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."
The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said "You, Sam, have set a fine example.
You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife.
For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari.
There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.
"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."
halfway thru the war a convent is obliterated by enemy bombs ,,as you can imagine there is already a que at the pearly gates ,,however ,,st peter in his eternal wisdom gathers the now dead sisters in a effort to speed things up ,,,he announces to them that he knows all and that they cannot lie to him and so in order to pass thru his gates and into their rightly deserved places amongst other eternal citizens of the kingdom of heaven they must all answer one question truthfully ,,,that question is ,,,,being betrothed to our lord and father ,,,the lord jesus ,,,have you ever touched or otherwise come into contact with another mans penis ,,,,,
there is naturally some shock and consternation at the nature of this question ,,,however ,,keen to take their rightful place in heaven ,,,one by one the nuns begin to confess, all of the nuns confess that yes they have indeed touched another mans penis ,however this invariably occurred whilst carrying out their duties caring for the sick and injured, a touch here ,,a brush there ,,,all innocent and unintential,,,after each confession ,,,st peter orders the now forgiven nun to wash whatever part of her body that made connection with the man who was not her betrothed be it a finger a leg ,,,midriff or cheek,,,,,all went wel and quickly till the final two nuns when their was a mighty ruckus and a scuffle broke out between the last nun and the next in line ,,,,st peter stepped forward and breaking the pair apart demands to know just what is going on ,,,,the next in line quickly answers ,,she is and always has been jealous of me ,she whats get into heaven before me ,,just so she can she did so ,,,,and so st peter asks the last nun if this is indeed true and how can she explain this, her reply ,,,no sir ,it is most definatley not true ,,,I have not a bone of jealousy in me ,,,but ,I have seen what is happening here and if you think i'm going to gargle that water after she's had her arse in it ,,you've got another think coming .
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:haha::rotflmao::evil2::giggle:
u got me mr two