Quote by abbernathy
we like yuvutu and xhamster, thats where all of miss abbey's vids are
how did I forget xhamster brillant site,
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onyxnesta
Over 90 days ago
Bisexual Male, 45
0 km · South Australia
Forum
Warming the Bed
I'll never understand women.
A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
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My dick is just like a dogs nose, it's always getting in to cracks, chasing pussy and it constantly pops up unwanted at the dinner table.
Warming the Bed
I was sure that I gave my wife her first multiple orgasm last night.
Turns out that recognizing epilepsy is not as easy as one might think.
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My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder...
And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking cock.
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A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,
'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'
'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman…
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'
Again the doctor spoke very calmly:
'Same illness, better health fund"
Warming the Bed
I said to my wife, "If you lick my balls I'll come."
She said, "Fuck off, you're going shopping with me, whether you like it or not."
They say that mistakes are the doorway to discovery.
Which is ironic, because I never discovered whiskey until after I got married...
Women logic -
Last night I was sucking my wife's toes, licking her arsehole and eating her out even though she was on her period and that's fine.
But drink directly from the milk bottle with my mouth this morning, and I'm a disgusting bastard.
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.
Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?
Max Factor should make condoms.
Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.
I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me wanking and not some pervert.
Warming the Bed
it's illegal to have sex with Satan in Bakersfield, CA without a condom. If you've ever been to Bakersfield you know this could totally happen.
Utah Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered sodomy.
Idaho Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
Warming the Bed
Quote by Bob_Hunter
even if you deleted and reformatted, providing you haven't overwritten the the HDD you may still be able to get most of it back. Well i guess that depends on the OS too.
correct ( have recovered data for people in the past )
also there are companies out there that can do it, just can be $$$$
what happened to the drives.
Warming the Bed
A guy goes in to a chemist to buy condoms, the clerk says 'what size?' The guy says 'gee, I don't know' the clerk says 'go see Jill in aisle six' so he goes over to see Jill, who grabs him by the crotch and yells 'medium'
The guy is mortified, he hurries over to pay and quickly leaves the store. Soon after another guy comes in to buy condoms again 'what size?' Again over to Jill, Jill grabs him and yells 'large'
The guy struts over and pays and leaves.
Next a high school kid comes in to buy condoms, 'what size?' says the clerk, the kid is very embarrassed and says 'I've never bought any before, I have no idea what size, over to Jill he goes, she grabs him and yells 'clean up in aisle six'
Warming the Bed
Catholic girl went into confession and said to the priest, "l'm pregnant." He asked, "How did this happen, my child?" She said, "I think it must be the second coming." The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?".
She replied, "Because I swallowed the first"
Warming the Bed
Heard my neighbor shagging for what seemed like hours last night
It went on and on for hours, moaning groaning, some screaming
the banging of the headboard on the wall
Turned out her elderly mother had fallen over and cracked her hip,
the noise was her banging on the wall with her stick
feeling really guilty about the wank I had
Warming the Bed
If you can't be the reason behind her smile, at least be the reason she walks funny for a while!
Some prick in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha."
I replied, "20 x 0 = 0."
That shut the fucker up.
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
He answered, "I don't know."
I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
Warming the Bed
whenever I see that Nigella Lawson on Television I get a sudden urge to masticate
Top 10 porn myths.
10 - High Heels.
Women wear high heels to bed.
9 - Going Down
When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
8 - Ugly Middle-Aged Men
Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.
7 - Suck It
When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
6 - Busted
When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
5 - Oh Yeah
Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
4 - Enjoyable Sexual Practice
A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's ass.
3 - Pleasantly Surprised
Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
2 - Double Penetration
Double penetration makes women smile.
1 - Splat
Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
Warming the Bed
like a lot of others that have all ready said
either they are really not sure what they want or using it just to get with the Mrs ( more the latter IMO ) from what i here in the past
lol and remember a lot seem to have issues reading profiles to start with how would you expect them to fill out there profiles correctly.
Warming the Bed
hehe I got heaps of jokes I could post however i know a lot will get offended as they are quite raciest or just wrong, and I don't want to get banned
There was a survey on why men liked blowjobs - 5% liked the look, 15% liked the feel and the other 80% liked the silence!
I was sucking off this bird last night when I thought, "Nek minute..."
Men think about sex every seven seconds.
Which is why I eat hot dogs in under six seconds... so it doesn't get weird.
Last night, I got blow jobs at 11:30 PM, 11:42 PM, 12:01 AM, 12:28 AM and 12:41 AM, when I finally decided to give it a rest and go to sleep.
My sex life improved considerably after my wife got diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
I can't be the only guy who mentally adds my cock to the sight of a girl yawning.
