I use them regularly, a heavy one around my cock and balls and another around my shaft. They help me stay nice and hard for as long as possible, I do find that when I finally cum my ejeculation is a a little delayed but flows so well
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ozziehard
4 hours ago
Bi-curious Male, 58
0 km · Hewett, Light Regional Council, South Australia, Australia
Forum
Casanova
For some reason I have to agree with Onyx, amateur is muc better, every one is on board and wants to play.....any movie. That has a story line needs the big cum shots to drag it out..... Nothing like watching some one blow from 10 different angles, first thing I think about as i about to blow.... Would it look good from the left or right
Casanova
Quote by hendrix1au
In the spirit of the very specific ads by some of the women and couples on here, which exclude 99% of the male population ie -
"Wanted, chinese male with one testicle and minimum 9 inch plus cock and 8 pack, with the ability to lick his own arse crack. Must be hairless except for scrotum and between 20 and 21 years old and over 7 feet tall. Must want to fuck my husband while I hit him with a bag of kiwi fruit, and be willing to be filmed by a trained Rhesus monkey smoking a cigar. Must live no more that 6 doors away from us, and be willing to pay for a hotel room before we meet."
"C'mon guys, it can't be that hard to find somebody who meets our criteria!"
I thought I'd try my own impossible ad and see how many genuine responses I get.
So.... Here goes nothing.
Wanted. Single married female, or group of nymphomaniac Roller Derby team mates to do unspeakable things to an old hairy / bald guy with a 2 inch cock and a large goiter on my neck plus a weepy thing that the doctors haven't identified yet. It's red, lumpy, and located somewhere that I can't really get a good look at it. Perhaps you could lance it for me? Must be within the ages of 18 to 27 1/2, weigh no more than 42kg, be between 4ft2 and 6ft9 in height, wear size 6 clothes and wear a 10E bra. Both tits must be perfectly symmetrical with nipples that are permanently hard and are at least 6 inches long. Must be natural blonde with the roots dyed black, and have a shaved pussy, but with a little hair shaved into a perfect representation of Edvard Munch's "The Scream". Must love anal with animatronic Disney characters and have an extensive collection of various coloured butt plugs all shaped like Robert from Everybody Loves Raymond. Must be willing to be filmed and shown to everyone down at the pub. Must have extensive penetrative sexual experience with a minimum of 100 different men. Must be a virgin. Must have references and a current pink slip. Victorias Secret or Bras 'n Things models need only apply.
bugger, the monkey just died from lung cancer and i think i might be 7 doors down,,,,,,, but I am a virgin that has been with 100 men ......oooops sorry make that 101 men
Casanova
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Once upon a time, there was a king who thought that his officers were going to try to have sex with his queen. So he made all of his officers put on tight pants and told them that if anyone got a boner their head would be chopped off.
So he lined them up and the queen came to the first one and took off her gown. He got a boner, so that was the end of him.
Then she came to the next one and took off her gown, he got a boner and that was the end of him.
This went on until she cameto the last one and took off gown, then her underthings and he didn't get a boner. So she took off his clothes and started rolling on the floor with him, half an hour went by, then an hour, finally after two hours the king came in to see what was happening and as soon as the king came in the guy got a boner.
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better," replied the Marine. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine. "How did you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Casanova
Little Johnny on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes
them, the hookers wave at him with their pinky fingers and say "HI there little boy!!"
One day Johnny stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their
pinky fingers ... she replies "well ... that is what size we imagine your peniss to be ... it is just a joke!"
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. Little Johhny stops and drops his
school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and
says "HI THERE LADIES!.
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
u got me mr two
Casanova
What is the difference between Jelly and Jam ?
I can't Jelly my cocks down your throat can I can't???
Open wider :
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."
She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"
He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."
You can always tell if a guy masturbates alot by his hands. If you look closely you'll see a wedding ring.
Packed my bags last night. Loaded up the dog and went to leave when the missus yells "I hope you have a slow and painful death" I turned around and said "Oh, you want me to stay then ?"
Then the fight REALLY started.
Tampax have announced that they will be replacin their string with tinsel. this will be for the christmas period only
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers.......
So I did....
She's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Dear Dr Phil. I was watching my neighbors daughter sunbaking topless from my bedroom window. As I was having a wank, I noticed my wife standing there, arms folded, watching me... I ask you, Is She a PERVERT ?????
Two condoms walk into a bar and realize its a gay bar, one says to the other, looks like we're getting shit faced tonight
Casanova
A teenage boy had just turned 18 and his father decides to do something special for him.
'Son', says the father, 'since you have turned 18 it is time for you to become a man. Here is $300, now go on down to the brothel in town and have yourself a good time becoming a man'.
'Thanks Dad!' says the son and leaves the house. On the the way to the brothel the teenager passes by his nans house. His nan notices him passing by and asks him where he going.
'Dad gave me $300 dollars to spend at the brothel so I can become a man!' replies the teenager.
The nan replies, 'now you hold onto that money and come inside. Your nan will make a man out of you'. Several hours later the teenager arrives back home.
'Well my boy', says the father,' how was it at the brothel?'
' I didn't go to the brothel', says the teenager. ' I passed nans place and when I told her what I was doing, she ended up making a man out of me'.
'Are you telling me that you fucked my mother?!?' asks the father, horrified.
The son replied, 'well you fucked mine'.
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said is this your wife sir? I answerd yes. They said im afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus... I said i know, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids.
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.!
A man and a woman are sitting in a hospital corridor waiting to be strike up a conversation.
"I'm here to give blood" she says, "It's £5 a pint, what about you?"
"I'm here to donate sperm" he answers, "It's £30 each time."
"Oh really," she says looking thoughtful.
Some weeks later the same two people meet again at the hospital.
"Have you come to give some more blood?" asks the man.
"Uh, uh" she says, shaking her head and keeping her mouth closed!!!
Casanova
Aussie Helpline
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the vag by a wasp, and its now completely closed up."
"Bummer mate!"
" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
Young Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office - but she belonged to another. One day Johnny got so frustrated and went up to her and said, I will give you $100 if you let me screw you, but the girl said NO. Johnny said I will be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor and when you bend over I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a minute and said she would talk to her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend, told him the story. He said to her ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast and he wont have time to drop his pants. She agrees and accepts his proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is getting anxious waiting for his girlfriend to phone back. After 45 minutes her boyfriend rings and asks what happened? She said - The bastard used coins
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket - $ Court Costs - $ Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS !!!
hwoar::cheers:
:taz::taz::taz::grin: