Warning: This message may contain course language, nudity and/or violence that may not be suitable for all recipients. Your discretion is advised.
SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
SEX
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
New Book
A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"
Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig'n bike.
Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn't take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen
Sex Research (could be handy)
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!
EASYJET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
---------------
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
-----------------
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
-----------------
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".
as long as people enjoy them, I'll keep posting them :P
Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of the
American Indians. After a tour of the reservation they lived on,
she asked why there was a difference in the number of feathers found
in the headdresses of the various Indians.
She asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress what
this meant. His reply was "Me have only one squaw, me have only one
feather."
She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking,
this brave had four feathers in his headdress.. He replied, "Ugh, me
have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws"
Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
squaws involved, she decided to interview the chief.
Now the cheif had a headdress full of feathers which, needless to
say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the chief, "Why do you have so
many feathers in your headdress?"
The Chief proudly beat his chest and said, "Me chief, me fuck-em
all; big, small, fat, tall, me fuck-em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters
stated, " You should be hung." The cheif replied, "You damned right
me hung--me hung like buffalo."
Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamn hostile." The
chief replied, "Hoss style, dog-style, any style, me fuck-em all."
Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The cheif replied,
"No deer,----me fuck no deer. Run too fast, assholes too high. No
fuck deer."
Aussie Helpline
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the vag by a wasp, and its now completely closed up."
"Bummer mate!"
" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
Young Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office - but she belonged to another. One day Johnny got so frustrated and went up to her and said, I will give you $100 if you let me screw you, but the girl said NO. Johnny said I will be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor and when you bend over I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a minute and said she would talk to her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend, told him the story. He said to her ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast and he wont have time to drop his pants. She agrees and accepts his proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is getting anxious waiting for his girlfriend to phone back. After 45 minutes her boyfriend rings and asks what happened? She said - The bastard used coins
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket - $ Court Costs - $ Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS !!!
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head." -------------------- An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
Lady faces a magistrate on a shoplifting charge, magistrate asks "what did you steal" lady replies "a can of pears" magistrate inquisitively asks "how many pears were there in this can " the lady replies 4" magistrate seeming a bit perplexed say's "i'm tempted to jail you for 1 day for each of those 4 pears " with that the husband stands up at the rear of the court and say's "excuse me your honour, but before you sentence her she also stole a can of peas !"
love it
like the 2 men stealing fruit. first one is caught steeling cherries, the owner says you can chose, ill call the police or you can stick al those cherries up your arse, so the man starts sticking the 2kg of cherries up his arse. after a minute he starts laughing. the owner asks what are you laughing about ?
he replies sorry, i was just thinking of my mate over there pinching pineapples
A mate of mine asked me to run in a mini marathon for charity, i told him to go and get fucked, but then he said it was for blind and spastic children so i thought "fuck i could nearly win this"
Quote by mr_twonewbies some people find it offensive, i find it funny thats why im happier
I find the more offensive the funnier they can be.. man i am going to love this thread.... I would love to see a porn parody of 'Men in Black'. It would be gay interracial and it would be called 'Black in Men.' My wife has always proclaimed that there is nothing more painful than childbirth. Clearly never trodden on a bit of lego in the middle of the night then! I texted my wife a picture of my flaccid penis. I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her. My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'c**t.' I suppose she's got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother's real name.
Quote by onyxnesta some people find it offensive, i find it funny thats why im happier
I find the more offensive the funnier they can be.. . i have to agree. a kiwi mate hammered me with aussie jokes today. nearly wet myself. most were the same as kiwi jokes but i heard some rippers. my ribs still ache. whats a blonde and a beer bottle got in common? both empty from the neck up. how do you confuse a blonde, put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner how do you confuse a blonde, show them 3 shovels and tell them to take a pick some from mrs two. blondes have more fun but brunettes remember it the next day a clean house is the sign of a sick mind
hehe I got heaps of jokes I could post however i know a lot will get offended as they are quite raciest or just wrong, and I don't want to get banned
There was a survey on why men liked blowjobs - 5% liked the look, 15% liked the feel and the other 80% liked the silence!
I was sucking off this bird last night when I thought, "Nek minute..."
Men think about sex every seven seconds.
Which is why I eat hot dogs in under six seconds... so it doesn't get weird.
Last night, I got blow jobs at 11:30 PM, 11:42 PM, 12:01 AM, 12:28 AM and 12:41 AM, when I finally decided to give it a rest and go to sleep.
My sex life improved considerably after my wife got diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
I can't be the only guy who mentally adds my cock to the sight of a girl yawning.
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."
"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven
stitches."
-------
Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat? They both feel good, but you wonder who's been there before you
-------
What do parsley and pubic hair have in common? You push them aside and keep on eating
-------
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
my wife recently found out that she's adopted, so on reflection fucking her doggy style and slapping her arse saying "who's ya daddy" seems inappropriate"
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Double Standards
When women get a vibrator it's seen as a bit of naughty fun.
But when I ordered my 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticized anus with imitation shit dribble and breast nipple discharge, non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream sound system, I'm apparently a dirty fucking pervert!
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"
Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What's worse than getting by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Three women are at the ice cream parlor. one is married and two are is licking an icecream ,one is biting an icecream , the third is sucking an icecream .which one is the married woman.
Quote by Mits Three women are at the ice cream parlor. one is married and two are is licking an icecream ,one is biting an icecream , the third is sucking an icecream .which one is the married woman.
Quote by mr_twonewbies Three women are at the ice cream parlor. one is married and two are is licking an icecream ,one is biting an icecream , the third is sucking an icecream .which one is the married woman.
biter now stop leaving us in suspense she is the one wearing the wedding ring
whenever I see that Nigella Lawson on Television I get a sudden urge to masticate
Top 10 porn myths.
10 - High Heels.
Women wear high heels to bed.
9 - Going Down
When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
8 - Ugly Middle-Aged Men
Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.
7 - Suck It
When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
6 - Busted
When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
5 - Oh Yeah
Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
4 - Enjoyable Sexual Practice
A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's ass.
3 - Pleasantly Surprised
Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
2 - Double Penetration
Double penetration makes women smile.
1 - Splat
Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
ol mits, thats a fortnight joke, too week.
onyx thanks for ruining porn films for me, i thought that was all true
keep them coming, got to laugh or you end up a politician
THE GIRAFFE TEST...
This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing ok if you get none right you better go for counseling.
Giraffe Test
There are 4 questions.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.
P.S. Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.
I leave for counseling in 10 minutes......
There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."
----------
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
--------
A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" he goes "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!"
If you can't be the reason behind her smile, at least be the reason she walks funny for a while!
Some prick in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha."
I replied, "20 x 0 = 0."
That shut the fucker up.
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
He answered, "I don't know."
I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
0 likes
love them all but the first ones the best
keep them coming, got to laugh or you end up a politician
You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.
P.S. Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.
I leave for counseling in 10 minutes......